Mab of Dream

I lay in bed this morning thinking about the MA and decided that I was definitely going with it. I then thought about some of the things that I've considered and some of the books to dive into. I got out of bed quite into the idea of doing it.

Then found that the computer was in use - Mum doing her planning for Playgroup. She said she'd be half an hour, so I chilled instead. After half an hour, I was still a bit up for doing my MA, but it was starting to feel like a duty, rather than proper excitement. I sat at the computer and Mum came in and asked me to just look something up for her. I did and found it, while my e-mails were loading.

Charles Arnold has been through my dissertation so far and come up with some great ideas. I was about to go into my original and run with them or see how they fit against my ideas; then Mum asked me to look something else up for her.

20 mins later, and I was ready to check again, but she needed the phone line to make a quick call. While that was going on, I made the cardinal mistake of just checking the Witchgrove e-mails while I was waiting; and got into that then. I don't want to do MA research now. My mind isn't in it. I've learned with all of this that you need to be mentally there, with no interuptions, or else it stops becoming exciting and starts becoming something which erodes your spirit.

I gave it one last go. I came out of Witchgrove and went to make myself some dinner; thinking through the MA ideas to try and rekindle the spark that was there first thing this morning. Before I even started, my 'phone rang. Could I do a friend a favour?

Yes - because I want to; yes, because right now my spirit is saying 'Fuck the MA, I don't want anything to do with it'; and yes, because three times last week I was made to feel guilty (not by this person) by three different people for concentrating on job, Grove and MA, instead of something they would rather my attention was on.

But then I'm pulled in the opposite direction - my inbox right now reads like a Who's Who of Wiccan writers and pioneers globally. People who are in the Pagan encyclopaedias, so are recognized primary sources of information. If I reply to them, I'm working on my MA. If I don't, then I'm not. Is it worth working on it when it's dragging down so hard on my spirit? I promised myself before I even took this up again that the second it became a duty or the second I was reaching burn out, I would resign my MA.

How many times this week have I took it that little bit further beyond that point? I can't do this surrounded by people who aren't going to give me the space and emotional support. That's a simple fact. It's not their fault and it's not my fault, it just is. But if that's the case, what right have I got to work for P4P and therefore try to persuade people in precisely my situation to subject themselves to what I can't personally do? That's simple cruelty.

yours
Mab
xxxxx