A blog for her friends to check that she's still alive, when she's been missing for a while, and what she's whinging about now.

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Tuesday, February 22, 2005

Are There Jedis on Mars?


Bob from Between Planets took this picture on that day when me and him went to Mars.


Actually there are loads of credits for this picture:

Andrea from Twin Roses Designs made the robes. Cerr gave me the lightsabre. Both of these beautiful ladies, plus Anna, Bella, Georgia, Puffernitty, Pixie and Dirk, and Roxanne bought me the robes.

I really am spoiled rotten!


Monday, February 21, 2005

'And what it brings
Is everything...' REM


I've had a great weekend and it's kind of clicked everything back into a better world now. It started on Friday, when I got in and fixed the fish-pump, then thought I'd better clean their tank out while I was about it. That was about half 5; at half 11 I finally finished cleaning, tidying etc the ENTIRE ROOM! Six hours of it will give you an idea of just what was involved there. When I say that I cleaned, I do mean that I cleaned. There are bits of that room which haven't looked like that since 1995; and bits that have never looked like that.

Saturday daytime, I started doing my dreads while watching 'Queen of the Damned'. The film finished and I was still only partway through doing the dreads, so I watched the film again with the film-makers' commentary switched on. I still hadn't finished after that, but was only about four dreads short. I got them done and started to tidy up the blue room. That's when I fucked my wrist and elbow up on a window. Two and a half hours later, it was still killing me, so Maggie kept reminding me that I'd broken it before and not gone up New Cross... twice... So off I toddled. Of course, it wasn't broken this time, just bruised. It bloody feels bruised right now, I can tell you.

I then started on e-mails. At one time on Saturday/Sunday morning, I had the Witchgrove and Kindly Ones folders both cleared and about 90% of my ordinary inbox sorted. If you'd seen what they all looked like before you'd be applauding by now! I went downstairs for a cup of tea and ended up cleaning my car.

This is me on Sunday:

after cleaning the car. Of course, I needed to sort out the software on my computer before I could upload it. I was working on that ALL of Sunday evening and it's still not sorted. I've had to bring the digital camera to work in order to get them on.

I'm feeling much, much less mithered now. This is what I needed. I made a list of the things I needed to do before I could stop feeling mithered. It's the 'Task List' somewhere -------------------------------------->

Thing is, I've only done a few things off there, which is designed to be done over the next couple or three months (look, I've even prioritized!) and I'm already feeling a lot less mithered. That's well overdue. Looking at the pics of me in my Jedi robes and after I'd stopped bouncing with excitement, I looked a bit more carefully and realized how heavy the bags under my eyes are and how puffy my face has gone. Compare and contrast a pic from last October:

when I actually WAS tired, and even I can see now what I'm doing to myself here.

Operation Chill Out is underway!


Friday, February 18, 2005

On the Day Fox-hunting Died

Today, fox-hunting in England and Wales became illegal. There are some get out clauses, for example, they can still hunt as long as they shoot the fox, after having the dogs flush it out, instead of letting it be torn apart by the dogs. Breakfast TV was full of people, who obviously don't realize how psychopathic they sound, being interview in full hunting regalia yesterday.

"Foxes are vermin!"

"We will continue hunting within the law until such time as the law is overturned and we can return to traditional hunting."

Trouble is, last time I heard the word 'vermin' was in the lecture by a holocaust survivor, in which she was saying that she and her family were considered vermin. It's not a word I really encounter elsewhere. I'm not trying to compare the two here, just pointing out that the word 'vermin' is only ever used by a person trying to justify the taking of a life somewhere.

Yesterday, the Surrey hunt alone tore apart seven foxes. All the hunts were out to enjoy the last day when they could sadistically kill something within the confines of the law.

I thought I'd be more ecstatic than this, because it's something I've been fighting since I was 12-13. I am smiling here, but... seven foxes were torn apart by the Surrey hunt yesterday... *stops smiling*

Also this week, Kyoto has come into force. Everyone is really happy about this one, but each news report, each conversation etc has the line in there somewhere - the world's biggest pollutor has refused to ratify it. The underlying part of this is that you now no longer have to be in Iraq or Afghanistan for an American to kill you; it's global, it's real and it's all America's fault. Everywhere you look, it's being spelt out PRECISELY what Kyoto is trying to forestall. Britain is evil too, but we signed up to Kyoto, which makes us less evil than America. America is trying to kill us. All of us.

I think that's the basic underlying message being rammed into each and every one of us now. The jokes have been doing the rounds for years, but they are really picking up this week. And I AM desensitized now. I spotted that this week... well... this morning... and I hadn't even noticed. On an academic level, that's fascinating; on a human level, that's shameful.

When the jokes first started coming out, I'd sit there thinking, 'You're dehumanizing the Americans, this is bad. This is how genocide starts, just a scale of things.' But these many years down the line, it's occurred to me this morning that I must have some mental division going on in my head. American does NOT mean any of my friends (who happen to have been born and bred in America), it's the others. I think that when I consider them as Americans, I have a whole different meaning than when I think of Americans per se. I no longer look at the jokes and think bad/dehumanizing/genocide, I might instead have a wry smile, then delete them without passing them on.

What's just given me the wake up call of the century is that two of these jokes made it to a group where I didn't know any of my American friends were. Morganna Skye has just delurked for the first time ever to defend her country. And she's right. It's like a wall has just collapsed in my head - if Morganna feels like she has to make a stand, then she's offended. She can only be offended if she's American. That joke is about Americans full stop... not just the Bush administration. Not just the Republicans. It's about people I love to bits like Morganna Skye as well.

'And what's one more dead soldier in the endless scheme of things?
It means one less pair of eyes which are open, and cannot shut,
In the kingdom of the blind.' (Joolz)

I think I've been sojourning in the kingdom of the blind. Now I just have to re-learn that people whom I love to bits are also American.

Talking about great Americans, other than Morganna Skye, who made her point very well. There's also Pixie, who, having read my previous blog, e-mailed me and ended up looking at my finances. She pointed out several places where I was not only over-complicating things, but where I couldn't possibly work out reliably what was in there and what needed paying. By the time she'd finished with it, even I'm not confused anymore. :-D I managed a whole day yesterday without spending hours in utter confusion and frustration over money. YAY!

I also had Andrea, Seren Lleuad and Aud offer to help too. I have some great friends! :-D But Pixie's sorted it.

Talking about great friends, I'm still loving my Jedi robes. I've now got my eye on the tunic for underneath. Things to buy plan: * Fix car * Get three certificates for genealogy * Then order the tunic. I'm going to try and save up to get it before August, so I can wear it at Shambala.

Talking about Shambala, I think I need a holiday. I've had half a dozen people, from different places, tell me to stop worrying or stop stressing, within the past 24 hours. I didn't think I was. Georgia reckons I'm being more intense than normal and that just looks like stress to the uninitiated.

Hey! I'm intense!


Mind you, the thing I was aiming for was hedonistic and laid back... I've set off in the wrong direction again, haven't I? Mmmm... u-turn!


Wednesday, February 16, 2005

Money, Money, Money

It's like thinking through sludge. Me and maths fell out years ago and to me the epitome of sheer hardwork is trying to understand my finances. Wiser people than I simultaneously pushed very hard for me to keep a track of my accounts last month, so I did and I am... I haven't existed for so long in a state of utter confusion, ping-ponging between smugness and terror (depending on what I think is happening with the sums), since the last time I attempted this.

Here's the latest that I've just spent an hour trying to puzzle over:

* I've swopped my Visa card to another one, because I couldn't afford the interest (and the new one is more ethically sound and gives money to Amnesty International; as opposed to the old one, which was dodgy as Hell <--- argument I understood when being talked into this. The first part was the argument Mum started with. I nodded in the right places and got it at the time.)

* I transferred most of the balance to the new one, but there was a period of a couple of weeks where I needed to pay things in America, which I can only do via Paypal. Paypal is linked to the old card, so I added things to it after transferring the balance. I then went onto the currency converter and worked out what the sterling was for the dollars I'd just paid, then paid that off the old Visa. Unfortunately the dollar must have crashed even further, because I'm suddenly £6.53 IN CREDIT there.

* I figured that I needed to pay for something with that to lose the in credit bit, so I paid my VERY overdue phone bill. So overdue, in fact, that I've just paid for two months in one go. It came to nearly as much as it would cost to fix my car. So I've been onto Orange to see if this can be done any cheaper, as the bills are so high because I keep 'phoning America and staying on the 'phone forever. He checked and in the past month, I've called America 11 times, each time staying on for over half an hour. He's found a plan thingie, which means it's still 15p a minute, but I get a percentage of free minutes if I buy in advance. I've just paid a tenner for £12 worth of calls to start with. I can also have these in bulks of £25 for £30 worth of calls and £50 for £60 worth of calls. I've thought on and I'm not even going near my normal monthly 'do not call America' pledge, because if someone's screaming somewhere, I'm not sitting here thinking, 'Ok, is that worth £4.50 for a half an hour cant or will Georgia get onto it?' I'm thinking, 'Ok, let's see if anything can be done.' And it saved so much time canting over the phone with Andrea when she was taking over the fund-raising. That was priceless in terms of peace of mind.

* Trouble is, I've paid that bill on my old Visa card, but the money originally allocated was in the current account list of figures and it was less. I don't want to pay it immediately, until it shows up on the old Visa bill, just to make absolutely sure I don't go in credit again. I understand enough to know that in credit on that one is bad. I now haven't a clue what column or sheet to record this on nor what to do with the original amount.

* In the meantime, Rebecca is losing oil even more quickly than usual, so I think my original plan of waiting until after the brakes are fixed on March 5th might be more stupid than my usual thinking. The squirty thing has packed up completely as well. Plus I was going to pay for that next month, but now I have the phone bill paid on Visa to pay off next month; which I think leaves more money this month, because I haven't really paid anything as it's on the Visa card. Eeeeerrrrrrkkkkkk!
*bangs head on calculator*

* On top of all of this, I can't use my on-line banking as my accounts anymore, because there's £200 in there which is destined elsewhere. I'm not sure whether I'm supposed to treat that as invisible, not really there money, or include it somewhere.

Now, if I was doing this the old way, I'd have just paid off everything that needed paying off, and assumed that the rest would just fall into place. Every 3 months or so, I would have a panic attack, because I couldn't see what was happening or where it was all going, and someone would take it all off me, do some sums and just tell me pay that, leave that, job's a good 'un. This way, I know precisely what's where; but I have a car dripping oil with a filthy windowscreen and a 'phone bill where I get hit for two months worth in one go.

I'm not showing Mum my accounts ever again, because she just goes through saying, 'Well why have you paid that? How come you're this much in debt there? Why did you use that, when you could have used this?' And other such helpful stuff, which leaves me completely depressed and assuming that I'm nearly bankrupt. Aud's up to her neck in exams. Time to see how busy Ian or Seren are.


Tuesday, February 15, 2005

'Watch me crawl
Watch me break
Watch me crawl
Watch me throw it all away'
'Headstrong' by Earshot
(from 'QotD' soundtrack)

I'm having a great time at the moment, really getting back into my genealogy. This is something I've been craving for months and when I eventually had the opportunity, I found I wasn't as into it as I'd expected. I just needed to give that time. I'm well there now! I have a list of certificates as I need to send off for, to go on the 'want' list, soon as I have some disposable money again.

I've finished adding the names to my Tribal Pages, which is brilliant! I can work through and see where the gaps are more easily. A couple of them I did have the information, just not in my main folder. I'm looking forward to going through things now and putting it all in one place.


You won't believe what was waiting for me in a box when I got home from work last night! Unless, of course, the 'you' reading this is Cerr, Anna, Pixie and Dirk, Brianne, Georgia, Andrea, Bella, Roxanne or Heather. JEDI ROBES!! I'd nick the picture off the Twin Roses Designs site, but Andrea would probably brain me, so you'll have to go and look at it there instead: My Jedi Robes modelled by a 6ft bloke with a beard, who looks nothing like me, so you'll need a bit of imagination. The brown ones on the left. :-D

That cheered me right up! I've been inputting at work, so I arrived home braindead through all the concentrating and determined to do some genealogy tonight. I'd skipped into the house the night before full of the joys of Tribal Pages, but then had to stop to send the raffle info to Andrea, then do the weekly discussion for the web-site, then I got caught up in trying to plough through the backlogue of e-mails (on Grove, personal, Kindly Ones etc); and in short, never made it. Tonight, I was determined, but was just waving a lightsabre around basking in the first glow of having robes, when Mum started nagging about fixing the digital camera part of the computer (I deleted the programme in an over-zealous spring clean back in the autumn).

So I sat there for two hours. It still isn't working. Only the fact that I'm a Jedi Knight and have decorum stopped me putting the bloody thing through the window. Checked the Grove and I'D WON A PRIZE!! The raffle has been drawn and I've won four bookmarks from the very talented Phoenyxa. They are beautiful too and one has a picture as she did for Mike. Cheered up enough to think, 'time to do the genealogy, no matter how many e-mails or how fucked the photo programme is.'

That was the right decision. I've skimmed e-mails and know that there are some important ones I should be reading carefully and answering, but sitting doing that genealogy... it's for me, innit? Therefore it was the first thing given up when I started to get busy five years ago. I think I'm that used to knocking myself out working bloody hard for other people or for duty things, that I feel so guilty doing genealogy, because it's only for me. But, 'kin Hell, I'm loving it. I could honestly say I was happy then. Which is a turn up for the books for me.

Sitting there until 2am, in my Jedi robes, hunting through on-line transcripts for clues to my Prangnells... I figured I'd have to go to bed then. *sigh* I'll do e-mails tonight, then have another night doing genealogy.

Went abed and lay there until half 2ish reliving Vegas and other greatness. I've found it again, in my memory, safe and sound.


Friday, February 11, 2005

'Anything to thin the blood
These corrosives do their magic slowly...'
'E-Bow the Letter' by REM

Ok, I'm slowly but surely working my way through bits of paper now. One bit of paper looked more important than the rest, but my philosophy is that if it's on paper it's not urgent. There's a whole built-in period of me considering the fate of the rainforests, the eviction of forest people, the starvation and exposure of indigenous wildlife etc, then getting pissed off and ignoring it for a while. If you want my attention, then it comes electronically. Everyone who's ever worked with me knows that, so surely it's logged the message with the Universe by now.

'VEHICLE SAFETY RECALL NOTIFICATION', it said on the top, before whittling on about 'corrosion of rigid metal brake pipes'. It only came on December 17th, but I've got round to 'phoning them now. Bring the car in between EIGHT OR NINE AM on a SATURDAY!!!! :-o On March 5th.

At least that one's free, the other work that needs doing is around £160, now I just have to embezzle the Witchgrove funds* find the £160 and, at least, have a safe car by the time Pixie and Dirk come. There might be a grain of truth in Kate's assessment of me as someone who doesn't hold onto life very tightly, but I do try to make it safe for everyone else.

But I think that's enough bits of paper for one day. I'll get back to my e-mails now.

Someone remind me to pay my 'phone bill. That's been due since the beginning of January too.


* This is a joke.

Thursday, February 10, 2005

We're having a raffle!

If you think this looks great - www.witchgrove.org - then please buy a raffle ticket here: Raffle Page to help us pay for it.

Thank you!


"I might've lived my life in a dream, but I swear
This is real
Memory fuses and shatters like glass
Mercurial future, forget the past"


I am a plant.

Apparently. According to the catering staff here anyway.

I woke up feeling much, much better today. Really the turn around came yesterday, starting with that e-mail from the person I'd been so paranoid on; then clicking through me getting an idea how I could re-structure the dissertation; then onto listening to 'E-Bow the Letter' on repeat all the way home - which reassured in the way that lyrics often do, when you've forgotten that the singer has never met you and didn't write it for you; and landed into an evening where I didn't HAVE to do anything. My inbox still has a few unread e-mails, but I'm working my way down them. I actually got up-to-date on the Grove for the first time in ages.

'E-Bow the Letter', Kate called it the answer to 'Country Feedback'. I can see that.

But things are really looking up now. :-D


Wednesday, February 09, 2005

'Aluminum, tastes like fear...'
'E-bow the Letter' by REM

Dad said that I woke him up in the night, talking in my sleep. It must have been loud to be heard through a closed door in another room. He couldn't make out what I was saying though.

I can't remember my dreams last night, just that I woke up feeling like I'd been in a warzone.

Ok, I'm trying a different tack. Until now, I've been fighting against everything I'm thinking and feeling, because I know the ideal of how I should be, but I'm just not like that anymore. It's all well and good trying to be a child of the Universe, but not when you can't be trusted with not pressing the button should you have its care. I have Anna and Andrea in e-mailed stereo pointing out that I'm a human being. So I'll try that.

Strangeness - I've had the rune Tyr in or next to my bed since about May. Last night, Anna e-mailed to say that she's done a bit of work magically, which was related to this. I decided to co-operate, so went to move the rune. I saw it there in the usual place at the weekend, but it's gone now. I haven't moved it! I figure that that's Anna's magic kicking in, along with a strict message that someone else has the distraction of Fenris now. I'm free.

Andrea says that you don't fight the flames. You let them burn brightly, then you move through them and deal with the embers and ashes afterwards. I'm going with this now. The reason I'm being so angry right now isn't because I'm a completely irritating failure, it's because I feel angry right now. There's cool, in a fucked up way. Thing is, now I've accepted that, I can feel it going down another level.

I've finally looked it up: Burn Out and taken it seriously. I didn't think I had any right to still be burnt out, because it's been going on too long now. Then I thought on. What did I do with my break from WG modding and the website? I wrote an MA level dissertation. What did I do with my break from the dissertation? I uploaded nearly 1000 files and photos into the WG website. I have a very warped idea of what a break is.

As something comes up and sticks, then I'm trying to resolve it. There's one person whom I've been feeling guilty about for over a year now. Over the past couple of months, this has turned into unadulterated paranoia. As this is a friend, I finally got round to e-mailing this morning and asking on it. If it isn't paranoia, then hopefully we can sort it. If it is, then I can stop afretting on it.

Georgia says that all this shit is actually due to us ascending. I'm thinking on that one a bit too. Ascending sounds too much like hard work to me right now. I think I'd rather regress back to a time when it wasn't all so hard.

Just been into the stats for the Witchgrove website. Since Saturday (ie 3 and a half days), there have been 87 unique visitors. They aren't all WG members either, some have come from Popex and some from Between Planets, none of which are me. One has come from Georgia's Yahoo profile, while another has come from Cerr's. So I updated my Yahoo profile with the link too. Otherwise, they have all come from Witchgrove itself. (These are just those within the past few days, many more sites have been involved before that.)

This all makes me happy. It feels like all that work was worth something. Every visit to the site is a potential sale for those members listed in our Shopping Mall; or a potential viewing of our members' art or stories; or another person getting something out of our weekly discussions. It gives me evidence, to my mind, that it is valuable, you know? And for that I'm glad I did it.

Later - the person I e-mailed confirmed internet paranoia. Not only that but proceeded to big me up, telling me that I have no idea how highly she thinks of me. And I worry too much.

I'm smiling. :-D


Tuesday, February 08, 2005

Some Stats

Only 1% of the population of the world have a University degree

I have a BA (Hons) in History and Philosophy. I am a few minor amendments (and a pass, of course) away from a Master of Arts in History.

You are least likely to go to University if you were born in August, in comparison to any other month of the year. You are 20% more likely to go to University if you were born in September, than if you were born in August.

I was born in August.

In 2000, it was still the case that those from the top three social classes, in Britain, were five times more likely to go to University than those from the bottom three social classes. Only 19% of those in the latter group have A-Levels.

I am in the bottom three social classes. I have three A-Levels.

In the entire of Britain, you are less likely to go to University if you are from the West Midlands region (which inc. Shropshire, Staffordshire, Birmingham, Solihull, the Black Country, Herefordshire, Worcestershire, Coventry and Warwickshire), than in any other region.

I am from the West Midlands.

Within the West Midlands region, the area with the lowest number of people with degrees is the Black Country.

I am from the Black Country.

You are less likely to go to University if neither of your parents has a degree.

I am the first person in my entire extended family, both maternal and paternal, to get a degree.

In 1994, only 15,699 students in UK Universities had a disability or special needs.

I was one of them.

The drop-out rate for those undertaking a degree in Britain can be as high as 40% in some Universities.

I did not drop out of University.

So what am I saying? That this, right here, is ammunition against myself to sit back and think about the odds of getting where I am now, academically. Instead of glaring at the dissertation and seriously considering not doing the minor amendments. This isn't even a MacBeth 'I am in blood steep'd so far, that should I wade no more...' moment. This is honest to goodness, 'Johnny, what the fuck are you on this time?' I REALLY piss myself off sometimes.

I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate the fact that the dissertation is hanging over me like some thick, black, monster's wings, just waiting to bite me. I hate the fact that writing it took Vegas away from me; and contributed so viciously to the 'bends' state I had at the back end of last year. I hate that it was there when all I wanted to do was get the website sorted and away; and that it put a deadline on it beforehand, that made me get so AAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH afterwards. I hate the uncertainty it left me with, spiritually; and the precipice it's left me on now; when I don't know anything that's happening in the world, with my friends, and who I am now, and where this is all leading me and what I'll be when I get there, and if it's too late now not to go.

And what limbo land it's left me in AGAIN. So THAT'S why academics don't declare their religious leanings, for all the talk of reflexivity and the call to arms for Pagans? And THAT'S why the more spiritually wise Pagans run in the opposite direction.

And I hate this paranoia. And I hate the fact that no-one's alright. And I hate the fact that I'm too fucked-up to save the whole world. I want to be back where it was all certain; where I knew the difference between self-confidence and arrogance; and where I felt like I knew some answers. When someone looking on would be more likely to see me in Tyr than in tears. When I didn't feel this constant sense of dread that I've given up on some big, almighty cause. When it wasn't all just a long and bloody battle.

Every day I work with the statistics. I do everything I can to raise aspirations; provide opportunities; help the Aimhigher students stay in University, once they're there. Every day I look at those statistics and occasionally think, 'that's like me', but don't take that in. My whole job revolves around the fact that it's going to be hard work for these people; and yet I fit ALL of those categories and don't allow myself to believe for one moment that it could just possibly be hard work for me too. I didn't even acknowledge that doing an MA fullstop is hard work, until Anna e-mailed me to tell me one afternoon. So it's hard work; and I do it with all that baggage, PLUS a full-time job; then still beat myself up because the trillion other things couldn't be done. Juggling writing 1000 words with uploading pictures onto the website and wondering why I was so stressed.

Wondering why I'm going so beserk now.

One day, I'm going to give myself a break and when that happens, and stays happened, you can bet that there will be a resounding cheer heard from here to the Pacific coast.

Mind you, I will probably have just dropped dead at that moment in time. Thinking on it and knowing me.

'kin Hell, I fucking hate myself right now and that's the truth. Sooner I get my act together, the better.


Monday, February 07, 2005

'It's quiet now
And what it brings
Is everything...'
'Leaving New York' by REM

I haven't been remembering my dreams of late, but last night was very vivid. I was both working for a large company and also the daughter of the boss, or someone very closely related, and there was some kind of deal going on. The heads of each department were to be kidnapped for 24 hours, but we knew in advance and had volunteered to let it happen in order to stop something else happening. After the 24 hours were up, we were going to be released. Everyone else had packed an overnight bag, but I'd got a full suitcase. I was asked why and I replied that there was no way I'd be released after 24 hours, once they'd got me. Also in the suitcase were lots of scrap paper/old envelopes and the such - nothing important and the sort of thing you'd ordinarily be sending off to be recycled. A bloke had put them in there to try and save me, though how was never explained.

I can say precisely what I was wearing, because I could see myself as well as being myself. I had on my green 'festival' skirt, with the buckles; my long, green jumper; white socks (?); and green, what looked like hiking boots. When I went to the place where we were all to be kidnapped from, there were all the department heads, including YODA!! He called me over to the booth, where he was sitting with others, and gave me a lot of advice - which is the only thing that I can't remember! :-( I took my seat and looked across the room. Nadia out of 'Big Brother' was there with her tits out, and I was wondering why she's half-naked, when everyone else is dressed, when I saw a red dot light travel across her to the person next to her.

I leaned over to the person next to me and said, 'And there it is, we're all going to be shot.'

Then woke up.

Ian and I had a really good cant yesterday, which was cool, because it unwound me a lot. Even as late as early afternoon, my mind was still racing and I was getting stressed over something I've been organizing. Ian just let me rant and vent and get a lot of the shit out; after which I definitely felt myself come down a level. It's madness because I feel like I've been bordering on yampy for at least a year now, so with those around me, it must be like, 'what the fuck's up with her now?'

I'm starting to work it out. It's circumstantial stuff - I'm angry that I spent so much of 2004 in so much pain; I'm angry because I had to work so hard and take so much time out for the dissertation; I'm angry for all those moments when I couldn't play. I think that once I've sorted this lot out, I really will be able to drift back down to earth.

I do still need a priestess, methinks. Someone who can wear the face of the Goddess and isn't too busy to hear this out; isn't prone to go off on feeling guilty, so I hold back and don't say half of it for fear of their feeling bad; and who can actually hear the words Paganism, Wicca, Witchgrove, witchcraft etc come out of my mouth without wanting to scream and run away. Can you tell that I've been doing a tremendous job of wearing out my welcome with random precision? ;-)

Ian was great and I think we would have got a lot more sorted, but for interuptions, then finally someone's presense which made it impossible to carry on canting. Not for the fact that they couldn't hear, but for the fact that we'd have had to start from scratch or summarize and there was just so much of it.

But things are much much calmer in my head now. I'm no longer quite so jaded anyway. And there's probably a really fucking good witch underneath all this, if I'd just allow myself to calm down enough to tap into her.

I got gonged on Popex! :-D Impressed me, anyway. :-D I'm now a millionairess five times over.

Real moneywise, the cheque came, which has helped a lot. Fingers crossed on the other three cheques now, but Osran has bought me a Prosperity candle off Alfynda Morgain, so it's looking hopeful. That was downright scary for a second there, but it looks like it's going to be ok now. Eventually.

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

Kicking and squealing Gucci little piggy

I've been told that it takes a little bit of bravery to actually waste paper, food or anything of that ilk with me in the vicinity. I didn't realize I was that 'bad', but apparently I can not say something very loudly. There's fine. We each have our passions and mine are manifold, but right up there in the Top Ten is an intense hatred of apathetic people. The people who retain the child's belief that if you can't see something it's not happening. These are the people who I'd dearly love to grab by the hair and throw their faces into the shit that they are ignoring, but instead I smile sweetly and begin the war of attrition.

Today, something came to a head... well, a mini-head... when I was asked how much I'd pay someone to start recycling paper.

How much I'd pay them to do it...

She changed the subject - you can order tea-bags with the stationery, you know? I replied,
"Is it Fair Trade?"

And she rolled her eyes.

Save or Delete


Fair Trade Federation

Fair Trade

It takes great control to be angry. Right now, I have no control and I'm just getting angrier and angrier. In the last five minutes BOTH the printer and the photocopier have broken. I didn't touch them; I didn't leave my desk. But I smiled.

I haven't the eloquence to even rant now. Just click the links above, while I try to calm down enough to actually do something about it.

Oh and a bit of Radiohead:

"Paranoid Android"

Please could you stop the noise, I'm trying to get some rest
From all the unborn chicken voices in my head
What's that...? (I may be paranoid, but not an android)
What's that...? (I may be paranoid, but not an android)

When I am king, you will be first against the wall
With your opinion which is of no consequence at all
What's that...? (I may be paranoid, but no android)
What's that...? (I may be paranoid, but no android)

Ambition makes you look pretty ugly
Kicking and squealing gucci little piggy
You don't remember
You don't remember
Why don't you remember my name?
Off with his head, man
Off with his head, man
Why don't you remember my name?
I guess he does....

Rain down, rain down
Come on rain down on me
From a great height
From a great height... height...
Rain down, rain down
Come on rain down on me
From a great height
From a great height... height...
Rain down, rain down
Come on rain down on me

TThat's it, sir
You're leaving
The crackle of pigskin
The dust and the screaming
The yuppies networking
The panic, the vomit
The panic, the vomit
God loves his children, God loves his children, yeah!

Tuesday, February 01, 2005

10th Anniversary of the Disappearance of Richey Manic

I've been waxing lyrical on Between Planets about this: Between Planets.


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