Mab of Dream

I've never been good with confidence. I second guess everything that I do and somewhere along the way will come the analysis. I make a shit hot right hand woman, but a crap leader. I think I'd die if I was ever left in complete and forever charge of Witchgrove or the Wolverhampton Moot, though I could run both brilliantly on a temporary basis.

I ended up in a weird conversation with FtE, which started off about Colin Devlin and somewhere through that Scorpio's manuveuring, ended up about me. We were talking about how Colin seems down-to-earth and unaware of his effect on women (judging from the stories that I've heard), when FtE said, 'You should empathize with that. You haven't got a clue about the effect that you have on all those Pagans.'

I tried laughing it off, saying that it's really a standing joke that I'm the great wise one, but everyone knows really that I'm blagging and learning from them. FtE replied that it's about time someone told me and made it hit home, because it's getting dangerous now. I say things and everyone runs with it, so I should be careful what I say. 'You could start a new religion at a word.'

I responded that if he's talking about WG, then he's under-estimated the Grove, not only in those listening to to me, but in the ability of the others to shout me down if I'm talking bollocks. At the end of the day, I'm still just a member there.

He asked if I really believed that or am I being coy?

How do you answer something like that? I've gone away in analyzing mode, like a good (or bad) little Virgo. I think it depends on the thread - my words might carry a little more weight on the tarot than on the runes, for example, because I know sod all about runes, but for what Anna's taught me. I learn something from the rest of the Grove every day!

Then my mind kicked to what BS Kate wrote yesterday, about the Wolverhampton Pagan Scene revolving around me, if anyone. Ok, that was Kate in modest mode, because I think that she really doesn't see her own position in all of this; I took it that she was picking me at random to brush it off onto, simply because I'd written the initial e-mail. But now I'm having one of those 'Sixth Sense'/'Fight Club' moments, where I'm looking back with another perspective and seeing something else entirely.

My mind's hit onto the blot at the second but last Moot, when the Heathens (Andy) toasted me from the last of the horn, for all the people as I'd brought to the Moot. I accepted that on behalf of Witchgrove, because it was the Grove as a whole as had done that, I was just the most obvious representative of it at that point. Folk find me, or any of the others, and end up on the Grove. It's such an amazing place there that folk enter a community, that exists both off and on list, which I've never seen anywhere else. I'm on a fair few mailing lists and the only thing even vaguely close is the old Black Country genealogy group; but that's small scale compared to what we've created with the Grove.

I have confidence in my Paganism now; I'm not afraid to ask the questions if I haven't got the answers. I have confidence in my ability as a High Priestess. But anything more than that.

I've let a Scorpio get under my skin, haven't I?

yours
Mab
xxxxx
- in a lot of pain right now, neckwise.