Mab of Dream

Andy, one of the Heathens at the Wolverhampton Moot, said something to me on Tuesday night, which sounded wise at the time. It's sounded wiser the more I've thought about it.

We were on about control freaks and he asked if I was one. I replied that I didn't think that I was. I've known control freaks and I'm much more likely to let folk just get on with it. But he asked about my projects, and there again, if someone could take over and run it to the same standard as I had, then they could have the baby, accessories and all.

There's the crunch isn't it? '... to the same standard as I would...'

We were actually talking about the Public Lecture programme, at the University of Wolverhampton, which I'd handed over the day before after 3 years of sweat and blood. But it could be applied to so many over areas of my life.

Andy said,
'You're afraid that others won't run it in the same way that you would, that's still keeping control over it, you know.'

That's it, isn't it? I'll give things up into anyone's care and walk away without a second glance, as long as they continue on as mini me.

Last night, I was telling Laura the Nav story and she couldn't get her head past the part when I said that I didn't like Nav. She kept saying,
'Why on earth did you put yourself through that for someone as you didn't even like?'

Because the alternative was leaving her without a chance to live her own life. I got her to safety and then walked away.

I didn't tell Laura about Julie. I don't think that she'd understand me giving up my sanity and nearly my life for someone as I actually detested. Mind you, I didn't know that they were the stakes at the time. I wouldn't do it now, for something as I knew the stakes on. As for those things as I haven't the hindsight, then yes, I'll do it, over and over again.

I wonder if this is something as Shonna has understood for a long time. She basically gave Witchgrove in our care back in October, and she's only really come back every time I start cracking up. Does she take up the reins and then quietly, subtly hands them back, when it's safe to do so? Or does she take up the reins and then can't hold on with the Juggernaut of me steaming by? Or is it none of the above, simply life intervening, me putting extraordinary pressure on myself and then not seeing the woods for the trees and/or Shonna doing the same? One day, when neither of us are too busy, too ill or too stressed, we'll talk about it.

yours
Mab
xxxxx