Mab of Dream

Jim skipped happily through the living room (where I was asleep on the settee), like a little spring lamb, merrily singing his 'rise and shine' song. Gambolling joyfully into the kitchen, to switch on the kettle.

'kin Hell, I was ****ed. But at least I wasn't wet, unlike Ian, whose attempts to still be asleep, when Jim was ready to go to Wales, resulted in cold water over him. Jim is an Aries. But I was very, very tired. It wasn't physical. I'd actually had a reasonable amount of sleep. It was intellectually knackered. I did my sit there with a fag and cuppa and, as long as my eyes look open, folk will assume I'm awake routine. I needed a day of not thinking and it had already occurred to me that driving = thinking, therefore I'd ask FT Kate, as a favour, to drive.

Then, before I could ask, FT Kate asked if we minded if she didn't come? She's got troubles of her own at the moment, so she didn't need to elaborate after saying that she really fancied a day in the garden. That's where she relaxes and becomes alive in the fullest sense. We all assured her that we didn't mind. But the realization came close on that I'd be driving, and thinking, today as well.

I wasn't prepared for how my heart sank. I covered it by going to the loo and trying to find that last gasp of energy for this. I wanted to go to Hay on Wye, and I certainly didn't want to be the one telling Jim that we weren't going, but I was dreading the thought of that drive. Just the part about having to be alert and concentrating on something.

I returned to the front room, but only look enough to get my clothes and toiletries, still trying not to let on how cold and exhausted I felt. It wasn't that I couldn't ask for help, but this wasn't a massive crisis. These three are three out of the five of my oldest friends, and I can ask them for or tell them anything. But all I needed was a bit of energy and the strength to re-kickstart my brain into functioning. To be frank, I felt like a complete wuss, particularly by the side of Kate's troubles.

But even after a wash and my teeth brushed, I just looked into the mirror at the bags under my eyes and just how pale I was, then my eyes filled up. That little leap of strength felt like a long jump up a high ridge. I took several deep breaths, held my hemetite to draw from energy from a more carefree time, then returned downstairs to where my cigarettes were.

Just on it, Jim ran upstairs for the bathroom and FT Kate disappeared into the back loo. Perfect, because Ian was the only one of the three whom I didn't feel like I'd be guilt-tripping by telling how I felt. I figured someone ought to know for safety reasons in that car and also Ian's good for 'bigging up' tips. However, I'd just told him and was shaking quite badly, without realizing it, when FT Kate came in.

The thing about being half deaf is that you don't hear things - like barefoot people coming through the kitchen... so I only knew she was there when she actually entered the room. She didn't hear anything, but she could see, and she's had decades of experience of seeing me. She asked straight out what was up, and I said, 'I'm just really tired.' She came and hugged me to bits and asked what was needful. I can't actually remember asking if she'd drive (initially), because I was trying not to cry, so I wonder if it was Ian who mentioned it? She knew about it halfway through the hug anyway, because she offered immediately to come after all and drive us.

I felt guilty as sin! I really didn't want to take her gardening day away over something as trivial (in my mind) as me being a wuss, but she went into massive reassuring mode and took herself off to get ready.

After that, it was a brilliant day. Halfway down the M5, I felt my shoulders relax. I'd actually thought that they were relaxed already. In fact, I'd even done that 'down shoulders' thing, but they still had several feet left to unclench and fall.

We had our dinner at Oscar's, in Hay-on-Wye. Yummmmmmmm Yummmmmmm Nice!

If you don't know Hay-on-Wye and you like books, prepare to be insanely jealous that I was there yesterday: Hay-on-Wye Official Website Books! Books! Books! And a castle.

I got:

'Inner Visions: Explorations in Magical Consciousness' by Nevill Drury;
'The Domain of Devils' by Eric Maple;
'The Growth of Religious Diversity: Britain from 1945' edit. by Gerald Parsons;
'The Journal of the Society for Psychical Research Vol 58 No 825 Oct 1991';
'Driving out the Devils (Exorcism)' by Sybil Leek;
'The New Believers: Sects, Cults and Alternative Religions' by David V Barrett;
'Celebrating Times of Change' by Stanley JA Modrzyk;
'The History of Magic in the Modern Age' by Nevill Drury;
and
'Pan's Daughter: The Magical World of Rosaleen Norton' by Nevill Drury.

Then Jim gave me a 'Who's Who in Shakespeare' because he was chucking it out.

After a little sojourn in the pub, on a settee in front of an open fire, we drove back. We stopped, en route, to look at the stars, seeing as there were no city lights obscuring them; and by the time Kate and I were back at her house, I was a different woman to the dude who'd sat there close to tears only hours before.

:-D

yours
Mab
xxxxx