Mab of Dream

... what I just posted, I realized that it sounded like a cue for everyone to send comments about how wonderful I am etc etc. But the emphasis here is on me convincing myself. A little like how you can have the ocean described to you, but you don't know what it's really like until you're standing on that clifftop getting your first view.

I know how I got here, I think. These six months have been like an earthquake in my self-perception and I need to get my head around it. Look at it like this - late last year, I was so shit at accepting compliments and believing in myself, that Laurie (on WG) had me and Georgia practicing on each other. That wouldn't have been needful if I thought myself the Goddess Incarnate.

Then January - I finally 'got' myself. Little cogs moved into place and suddenly I forgave myself the things I beat myself up over. I accepted the good in myself as well as the bad, and I gave myself leeway over the bad. I saw myself as I see my friends. I had the incident with the mirror, where I saw myself physically as if I was a stranger viewed in another room, and I went on my instinct and first impressions. I liked what I saw and you know that, with me, that's nothing to do with skin-deep attributes. Then there was that smile. It's going to sound so weird to explain, even a little schizophrenic, but the 'Mab' that folk go on about smiled at me in the mirror, and I felt honoured! Yeah, yeah, I know. You had to be there, ok?!

It was all like finally get shut of the Judgment Card stage of my little Journey, seven years after the Vicarage. The World blew my mind.

Then carried on blowing it. I got the job at Aimhigher, everything went so right and I felt so on top of the world, that I went a little strange. I lost those two hours wandering around the library, until the Universe sent Syd to fetch me back. At that point, I couldn't get any higher without totally losing the plot.

So I crashed. Literally. After the car-crash, I had two Grovers independently warn me to watch my emotions and that they would be there for me. I don't know what I was thinking - that it didn't apply to me, maybe? It's only now, with a bit of hindsight and that visit to the doctor behind me, that I realize how shaken up my brain was that day and how, as a consequence, unstable my mental, intellectual and emotional faculties have been.

It was laid out plain. My brain hit the top of my skull with a violent force and fell back. It was the equivalent of sticking a jelly in a lidded bowl, then chucking the bowl at a wall. Forget the physical nerve and muscle damage to my neck just now, because buried under all of that was the fact that I suffered a great deal of mental, intellectual and emotional damage at the same time. While I was trying to do the stiff upper lip bit and business as usual, my brain was trying to deal with short term memory loss; loss of concentration abilities; perspective damage; and all kinds of shit. It was subtle enough to not be there in neon lights, but blatant enough to only just be settling down.

FT Kate knew about it; the WG Mods knew about it; my parents knew about it. They were having to deal with my freak outs, tears, sudden dazes, lethargy and all the other things. But I don't think they or I knew how related it all was. I had it down to being stir crazy in the house, but in actuality, it was, I suppose, minor brain damage.

So what did I do? Soon as the pain had receded enough for me to drive a car, I went to work far too early. Then, still with short term memory loss, emotional upheaval and damaged intellectual functions, including the inability to concentrate, I set about learning how to do a new job. A responsible, needing to be organized, think on my feet etc sort of new job.

Not only that, but I chose this period in my life to meet dozens of new people, at the Wolverhampton Moot; to get involved in a load of new projects; to chair the PG Society Presidential elections; to write my MA project etc etc etc

The better I get, the more I am looking around and seeing the utter mess I created in the intervening months. This wasn't time management, it was like giving a slug loads of beer and watching it's daft progress over the paving stones. In short, I haven't been making great choices and I've been working like someone on hard drugs!

So here I am. Looking beaten up, but having had more sleep than I had for several days this week, finally able to see the picture that Kass and Saoirse tried to warn me about at the beginning. Picking up pieces and working out how the sweet proverbial I got here.

Interesting times, eh?

LMFAO!

yours
Mab
xxxxx