Mab of Dream

I haven't put much in here this week, have I?   I've been keeping busy, trying not to analyze too deeply where and what I am.  

 

V has said that she wants to engage with my research as, 'You are writing the thesis that I always wanted to write'.    The list of e-mails from those congratulating me for passing my project reads again like a Pagan Who's Who.   Another witch informed me that,  'Everyone knows you are going right up there (with the big name Pagans).'    And an0ther said, 'I don't think you've quite got how famous you are already'. 

 

Unless I'm blocking it out or willfully not seeing it, I'm not sure what to make of it all.   I genuinely can't see it nor can I see any evidence.   I don't think I'm past the point of no return yet if it is all true.  It does worry me a lot though.   Hell of a lot.

 

I like that I can help; I like supporting Cerr in running Witchgrove (I shit myself everytime someone mistakes me for the owner); I like that I have the contacts to do my research; I like that I'm learning more and more all of the time.   I hate the politics.  If people fought as much for Amnesty International or Fair Trade as viciously as they did in their own power struggles, the world would be a much better place.   I can't even see why power is so attractive - doesn't it just make you the target for everyone else's power struggles, make you have to watch every word you say in case someone takes it seriously and eats away at all the time you have to do anything useful at all?   When it comes to true baddies, those who'd torture, commit genocide or the vast destruction of land and water, then I'm with Billy Bragg - 'if you've got a blacklist, I want to be on it' - but when it's just a matter of personal power.  Fuck it.  

 

In a couple of situations (well, two and a half), I'm the one keeping the peace by whatever means are necessary, but the peace has only been broken by such power struggles.   I came up with this last night:

 

I am the hand in Fenris's mouth,
The pin in their grenade.
For as we conspire,
I draw the fire,
To keep the chaos contained.

You know it's on my mind when I'm mentally writing poetry about it!  LOL   Usually with things that disturb me, I'm writing to the president of somewhere or other, it's only powerlessness which has me reaching for the bardic metre! 

Before the Festival, I removed my fingers from pies all over the place to give myself the breathing space to see what I wanted to do.   I want to do Witchgrove, which was one of the things which, before, I had decided to step down from (be a member rather than a Mod).   That I enjoy it, and want to stay helping out there, is now a certainty.    The only other things I have picked up again since are those I don't necessarily want to be involved in, but have been talked into it by others.   

 

I should be keeping my dreams pure and simple everytime, just like the tune in my head.   Is it time to become a hermit again?    Or time to hold on for the ride?

 

The questions for 'Priestess' never materialized.   I've given up on Pedwyr now and just pushed it all inside.  Not thinking on it, not allowing myself to even dwell on an associated subject.   I got up and walked out of a room where dieting was being discussed and read 'Stupid White Men' instead.   I'm not even going to think about the Fisher King anymore, because that leads directly back, though I was learning a lot from that meditative journey.   It hurt just that bit too much and I was starting to hate folk for letting me hurt.   It's safer and better all round to just let it go.

 

I have broken the cardinal rule of everything and let myself become cynical.   I'm far more suited to Kindly Ones than Witchgrove in temperament these days, but not in subject matter.   I could do with time out or with a long, long cant about things, but I don't know where to start and who to start with.   I have a lot of people who I could cant with, but... but...  I think I'm losing the faith.

 

I was enjoying the deities/mythological people/legends thing that happened, where Tyr seagued into the Fisher King and I got to meditate on those, until the urgency had passed.   Since I stopped thinking about the Fisher King, no-one else came.   That's disappointing.   I don't want to force one, as the other two happened so organically.

 

At least this isnt burn out, like normal.  It is cynicism, pure and simple, and why I'm constantly fighting and putting myself out for those who couldn't give a shit about me.   Have things become warped in my head?   Who knows?   I'm in my head, so I couldn't know if my A-B route is actually A-R or A-Q.   But I don't think it is. 

 

Feels good to vent though and not watch what I said at all.   Perhaps the best way to remove myself from the politics is to demonstrate just how shit at them I am.

 

yours

Mab

xxxxx