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If you have five mins:
A blog for her friends to check that she's still alive, when she's been missing for a while, and what she's whinging about now.
Friday, August 27, 2004
Have none chanting for thee a chant of fullest welcome?
Then I chant it for thee, I glorify thee above all,
I bring thee a song that when thou must indeed come, come
'When Lilacs Last in the Dooryard Bloom'd'
'Where is my trust in what I believe...?
I was always the dark priestess, when it came to on or off-line priestessing and if there was a choice of priestesses. I'm the one who rang our entire family with the news that Nan had died, one by one, delivering the news that they had lost their mother, grandmother or sister. I was the one who then drove around ensuring that no-one grieved alone.
When folk die in the lives of friends, it could be anyone who responds, but I've always felt like the one most 'comfortable' for want of a better word. I'll 'phone them and cant with them about it. The dark priestess. Not just in death. I see my role as the first port of call in matters of madness, war, attack, all of the above. The catcher in the rye, in the sense that I understand this:
- "Anyway, I keep picturing all these little kids playing some game in this big field of rye and all. Thousands of little kids, and nobody's around - nobody big, I mean - except me. And I'm standing on the edge of some crazy cliff. What I have to do, I have to catch everybody if they start to go over the cliff - I mean if they're running and they don't look where they're going I have to come out from somewhere and catch them. That's all I do all day. I'd just be the catcher in the rye and all. I know it's crazy, but that's the only thing I'd really like to be." ~Chapter 22, spoken by the character Holden Caulfield
That is my place in time, except folk aren't generally children and can usually see the bloody cliff. Half the time, I'm just climbing down to get them off the ledge halfway down.
So what went wrong?
Nick Aylett, Clive Southall, Cham Patel, Kathy Davies and Warriormail Mike. All in the space of four months.
Those are just my friends. Me and Mum were canting either and she named another four people, all in their late teens or early twenties, who have died or been killed on our estate in the past two months.
I feel like I've not stopped mourning in living memory. WM Mike's funeral was today. I went to the other four funerals and was a wreck at Nick's. By Kathy's, I'm just glad that Aud was there. I've been pushing it all inside, but none of these people deserved to die. At least three of them were my hero(ine)s before they died.
By the time Mike died on 22nd August, I was hysterical at the news. I haven't eaten properly in two weeks, what with one thing or another, and I'm currently ashen and looking very drawn. It's only today that I've felt like I can function outside a haze, so I know I'll be alright. Monday night, I just sobbed and sobbed for them all and for the past decade. Mike's death broke my heart, but I think it was also the release for the other four.
I'm not guarding the cliff at the moment, but, as Anna pointed out, I'm not the priestess for this moment.
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