Mab of Dream

Look!

I just read that, filled right up and then noticed the comment too.

*sniff*

There's a school of thought that says I'm a bit too wide open right now. But things like that are going right in. I don't know what I was expecting, 'Mab you're cool' I suppose, because that's what I thought would be the rules of the game. Then I could smile and get back on with what I'm doing. Talk about gobsmacked.

Thank you, Lill.

I really ought to do a proper blog, as I've been around a bit more this week. I'm not in the 'It's No Good Trying' Syd-state anymore, which is really the result of another major panic attack on Saturday night. This one Cerr caught and, over the 'phone, there was a long, long cant, which basically ended with me sort-of stopping the dissertation. I say sort-of, because it's more a back-burner thing than a forever thing. Just to give me chance to stabilize my world, but I am reading 'Triumph of the Moon' again, just not at the speed of knots.

The basic plot now is that I do whatever I want to do. Mmmmm... imagine the calibre of HPS and friend who can convince a Methodist-Alexandrian-Virgo the value in doing that! I'm mostly doing it as well. There are times when the guilt kicks in and the panic starts again, usually in the vicinity of Grove posts, when I afret that folk are seeing me posting and thinking, 'Why hasn't she responded to mine, the ignorant bint!' or much worse, getting paranoid about it. That's usually when one of Cerr's e-mails gets a 14 page essay response full of angst and she sets me right again.

So, the upshot. My mind is floating back down to ground. Today, a whole series of things exploded simultaneously at work and those who usually have the calm heads - who have been covering my dropped bollocks for weeks - went to pieces. I caught the ball and ran with it. As a result, the whole thing came together seamlessly and all was well with the world. I stood back afterwards and thought where did that come from! I haven't been that together in a fortnight! A very high-up academic thanked me for the day and everything, and me, reverting back to form, informed her that I could only be so lucid because I've dropped my dissertation. Later on, alone, she asked on that. She's offered to take with her my first draft (or however far I've got at that point) home with her over Christmas and read it for me. :-o

Ok.

I'm one extreme to the other though (as I always was, it just happened more slowly). On the one hand, I can't remember things as fundamental as 'did I thank Pixie for the CDs?'; on the other, I keep getting these flashes of clarity where my mind is racing as fast as it always did, nothing phasing, nothing too much to decipher. Caroline called me over yesterday. She said, 'If neither of us can figure it out... Jo, come here, we need your brilliant mind.'

Brilliant mind.

Ok.

Now things like that will have me analysing like the most Virgo-ish Virgo that ever lived. I suppose everyone else would have taken it as a throwaway comment, but I'm standing there thinking, 'Brilliant? As in 'A Beautiful Mind'? Genius? Or is she just saying that to butter me up?' And I'm back at my desk with Caroline saying, 'Come back and show me how you did that!' Did what? I don't know how I fixed it, I was too busy analyzing 'brilliant mind', I just did it! So I grin like I know what's going on and wave my mug at her instead.

I really should shut up on this, else no-one will ever say anything nice about me again! LOL

Behind the scenes, Cerr's getting ready to initiate me to the first degree. She doesn't know this yet. She'll find out when she reads this. For about three days now, she's been helping me retrace my steps, as I missed a lot of them out running up the stairs as fast as I did. She's helping me work out who I am, what I am, where this is all going. You know, the usual Grail questions. Who does it serve is probably on the agenda soon. It's helping enormously. We started with the Mother Priestesses who wouldn't initiate me; and now she's kick-started the Priestess group again. I haven't panicked in three days and the flashes of my mind being in sinc with the rest of the world are getting longer.

I've also nearly emptied the WG website up-dates folder. There are a load of pics as I can't open, so I've sent them to work to try there. I've still got to upload Brianne's photos and some of mine, then all of the Grovers Meet pics are done; all of the page updates are done, excepting some reviews, which BS Kate is doing and forwarding to me. I've got the 'Coming Home' Vegas blog half done in draft, then that's all the Vegas blogs done. Rebecca is taxed, MOT-ed and insured. She needs some work on her cam-something and back brakes, which is £160 all told, but not dangerously so (else I wouldn't have passed the MOT). Overdraft. Everything I've afretted on is slowly being sorted out and I'm finding my centre of gravity accordingly.

I think that, by the weekend, I'll be sorted; then I can look at that bloody dissertation again.

Sometime, one day, I'll be back completely and this will look like the necessary hard lesson it probably is. Hopefully, by then, everyone will have forgiven nearly a year of whinging and all will be well with the world.

yours
Mab
xxxxx