A blog for her friends to check that she's still alive, when she's been missing for a while, and what she's whinging about now.
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Thursday, January 27, 2005

'And the house that Johnny built
Is just ashes and sand... ashes and sand... ashes and sand...'

I told Kate, a couple of weeks ago, that my grip on my faith was slipping. You can't batter it so brutally and expect it to come out whole and untouched the other side.

Right now, I can't feel the Mysteries, can't see the Goddess, can't even touch that part of me inside where once it all was. I look at all the things left when I was so full of dissertation that I couldn't deal with them too; I'm struggling to find a single thing which didn't stop dead right then. That leaves questions - did I not build them strong enough to survive my no longer propping them up? Did I care too much for things which no-one else cared for? There's a lot of anger and bitterness inside me, as yet unfocused. Do I blame the dissertation? Do I blame the people in whose care they were left? Do I blame myself for listening to all of those who said that for my own sanity I should walk away? Do I blame those who dared me to let them go?

I don't know.

I went to the Grove last night looking for something. I don't know what... a priestess? Some evidence that the Goddess is alive and well and sending someone to tell me that there still are Mysteries in the world. But the Grove was full of people feeling much the same as I do right now. No comfort or solace. I even dared the Maidens and Sons to come and tell us that it's alright. None did.

I sat outside having a fag earlier and looked across at the trees and the sky beyond. Just so much wood and... well, Shakespeare said it better:

I have of late--but wherefore I know not--lost all my mirth, forgone all custom of exercises; and indeed it goes so heavily with my disposition that this goodly frame, the earth, seems to me a sterile promontory, this most excellent canopy, the air, look you, this brave o'erhanging firmament, this majestical roof fretted with golden fire, why, it appears no other thing to me than a foul and pestilent congregation of vapours.


I have this tremendous sense of loss, but so much bitterness and hatred overwashing it all. I want to scream out to the Goddess, if you are really there, come and get me! At least show yourself, prove that you exist.

So much to say.

But I reckon I've run out of credits now.

yours
Mab
xxxxx
Posted by: Mab / 1:28 pm
Comments:
This is what the Goddess has sent out of the blue so far (just not sure which one):

WHIRLWIND
(Sullivan/Heaton) 1990

I felt a shiver in the heat-haze and the waiting time is over
Strange tongues on the airwaves as the voices call from distant lands
I saw which was the winning side but still I joined the other
And I'm in love with every strange unfolding day
As the storm begins to break cover
So let the whirlwind blow
- through the ice, the melting snows
- across the freezing skies and the tiny lights below

And so we shutter up the doorways as the ripples move towards us
For a moment stop breathing - She wakes and stirs beneath our feet
The Order try to stand their ground, while every battlefront is shifting
They still believe that they can hold the reins
But then they've got no sense of history
So let the whirlwind blow
- through the ice, the melting snows
- across the freezing skies and the tiny lights below
- the waters seething, bubbling out of control
- come on take my hand and we'll dive

A television blares in an empty room
The poisoned waters glisten
Goliath staggers round in a punch-drunk daze
Doesn't understand what hit him
I saw which was the winning side but still I joined the other
And I'm in love with every strange unfolding day
As the storm begins to break cover
Let the whirlwind blow
- through the ice, the melting snows
- across the freezing skies and the tiny lights below
- the waters seething, out of control
- we watch the oceans rise and the governments start to fall
- across the freezing skies until the lights go out below

Published by Attack Attack Music/Warner Chappell Music Ltd
Album: Impurity
Track 5

Release date:
September 1990
# posted by Blogger Mab : 1:57 pm
 
Have you tried any of the exercises in the Witch Lessons? Make a list of things that fed your soul before you started your dissertation. Seek them out and DO them. The goddess is there and she's waiting for you. She hasn't left you. You just need to seek her out again. Feel her presence in the art that gives you so much joy, the music that makes you dance like a mad woman, the memories that make you smile and get all warm and fuzzy. You're looking for her to come down from the mountain but she's standing right next to you.

xoxoox
Anna
# posted by Anonymous Anonymous : 5:41 pm
 
Just remember that your belief is always inside you...that is where you can draw on the Goddess or God from.
# posted by Blogger Pixie : 11:31 pm
 
Thank you both. The difference between yesterday (and the previous few weeks) and now is astronomical.

I don't think that the Imbolc candle will turn into a Molotov Cocktail soon as it reaches my hand now.

:-D

yours
Mab
xxxxx
# posted by Blogger Mab : 12:52 pm
 
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