Mab of Dream

Dad said that I woke him up in the night, talking in my sleep. It must have been loud to be heard through a closed door in another room. He couldn't make out what I was saying though.

I can't remember my dreams last night, just that I woke up feeling like I'd been in a warzone.

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Ok, I'm trying a different tack. Until now, I've been fighting against everything I'm thinking and feeling, because I know the ideal of how I should be, but I'm just not like that anymore. It's all well and good trying to be a child of the Universe, but not when you can't be trusted with not pressing the button should you have its care. I have Anna and Andrea in e-mailed stereo pointing out that I'm a human being. So I'll try that.

Strangeness - I've had the rune Tyr in or next to my bed since about May. Last night, Anna e-mailed to say that she's done a bit of work magically, which was related to this. I decided to co-operate, so went to move the rune. I saw it there in the usual place at the weekend, but it's gone now. I haven't moved it! I figure that that's Anna's magic kicking in, along with a strict message that someone else has the distraction of Fenris now. I'm free.

Andrea says that you don't fight the flames. You let them burn brightly, then you move through them and deal with the embers and ashes afterwards. I'm going with this now. The reason I'm being so angry right now isn't because I'm a completely irritating failure, it's because I feel angry right now. There's cool, in a fucked up way. Thing is, now I've accepted that, I can feel it going down another level.

I've finally looked it up: Burn Out and taken it seriously. I didn't think I had any right to still be burnt out, because it's been going on too long now. Then I thought on. What did I do with my break from WG modding and the website? I wrote an MA level dissertation. What did I do with my break from the dissertation? I uploaded nearly 1000 files and photos into the WG website. I have a very warped idea of what a break is.

As something comes up and sticks, then I'm trying to resolve it. There's one person whom I've been feeling guilty about for over a year now. Over the past couple of months, this has turned into unadulterated paranoia. As this is a friend, I finally got round to e-mailing this morning and asking on it. If it isn't paranoia, then hopefully we can sort it. If it is, then I can stop afretting on it.

Georgia says that all this shit is actually due to us ascending. I'm thinking on that one a bit too. Ascending sounds too much like hard work to me right now. I think I'd rather regress back to a time when it wasn't all so hard.

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Just been into the stats for the Witchgrove website. Since Saturday (ie 3 and a half days), there have been 87 unique visitors. They aren't all WG members either, some have come from Popex and some from Between Planets, none of which are me. One has come from Georgia's Yahoo profile, while another has come from Cerr's. So I updated my Yahoo profile with the link too. Otherwise, they have all come from Witchgrove itself. (These are just those within the past few days, many more sites have been involved before that.)

This all makes me happy. It feels like all that work was worth something. Every visit to the site is a potential sale for those members listed in our Shopping Mall; or a potential viewing of our members' art or stories; or another person getting something out of our weekly discussions. It gives me evidence, to my mind, that it is valuable, you know? And for that I'm glad I did it.

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Later - the person I e-mailed confirmed internet paranoia. Not only that but proceeded to big me up, telling me that I have no idea how highly she thinks of me. And I worry too much.

I'm smiling. :-D

yours
Mab
xxxxx